If you can't flog 'em, clog 'em
by Winny Foster
Summary: It's Logans first visit in Stars Hollow. The town is as crazy as usual. Crazy gilmore girls,Invading Holland, Flying frying pans, evil swans and hello kitty bandages. Please Read and Review. :


_**If you can't flog 'em, clog 'em**_

AN: The whole concept of this story started as a joke between me and friend (who lives in Holland) So a giant thanks to Puca or Eva as I know her as. Without your help when I was stuck this story wouldn't be as good as it is now.

Own this? Oh come on…I don't own Gilmore Girls, and I certainly don't own Holland.

------G------

Rory sighed and started to read the same sentence once again…it was impossible to concentrate…especially when the man that demanded her attention was a tiny guy with one testicle and huge ambitions. The man who was currently on her brain frequency was just a tad bit taller than her, with beautiful chocolate brown eyes…and all his manly parts intact.

"What in the name of coffee and cake is written in that book to make you blush?" Lorelai asked and snatched the huge history book out of Rory's hands.

"On February 26, 1815, Napoleon...Napoleon…Napoleon…why does that sound soooo familiar?"

"Because you learned about him in school?"

"No…that's not it. Something sweet and creamy…" Lorelai said with a dreamy look. Rory rolled her eyes.

"Napoleon Cake?"

"YES! That's it!"

"Your mind is so twisted" Rory said with a laugh.

"On February 26, 1815, Napoleon managed to sneak past his guards and somehow escape from Elba, slip past interception by a British ship, and return to France….this made you blush? Are you sure you are my daughter?"

"Mom…"

"I'm just saying…this stuff wouldn't even make Maria blush"

"Maria?" Rory asked confused. Sometimes she wondered how her mother's brain worked…her conclusion had been that it's just one of those things you have to accept. Like gravity or air…cause you can't live without it.

"Child of mine, fruit of my lions…How many Maria's do we know?"

"None…"

"Really? Huh…I thought we did. Well where do we know Maria's then?"

"You are making no sense"

"I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain" Lorelai sang.

"Sound of music Maria"

"Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! Seriously kid…did this stuff make you blush? I know this guy only had one testicle, but….Oooohh you were thinking about your boy toy!"

"That might have been it…." Rory said as her face turned red once again. "How did you know that Napoleon had only one testicle?"

"Well despite what people think I do read"

"And what book was this?"

"Only the coolest book known to man…The Most Amazing Book About Useless Information Ever. But back to the topic…your boy toy. Rory has a boyfriend, Rory has a boyfriend" Rory groaned…Logan was going to be scarred for life after meeting her mom. On the other hand it might show him how cool parents could be…that was after the initial shock had worn off.

"We are born, we live, we die among supernatural. Imagination governs the world….close you books and pack your clogs my little Napoleon!" Lorelai suddenly exclaimed and closed the history book with a bang.

"What?"

"Pack your clogs! We are going to invade…uh…Holland!"

"Invade Holland? Why Holland?"

"Why not Holland?"

"Uh…I don't know"

"Exactly, now go get your clogs, we have to mingle with the enemy"

"Do we even own clogs?"

"I have no idea…go check in the closet. I'll find our uniforms. Chop Chop! Holland waits for no one"

------G------

Logan couldn't keep a little smile from gracing his lips as he drove through Stars Hollow. It was like nothing he had ever seen. It was like the towns in movies and TV-shows where everyone knows each other, and privacy barely exists. He let out a little frustrated groan when he noticed that he once again was back in the middle of town. How hard could it be to find a house in a town this size? A sudden knock on his car window made him jump in his seat. A man wearing a funny looking hat and a red and beige striped jacket was standing with his nose pressed against the window. Logan laughed, this had to be Taylor. He rolled down his window and looked at the white bearded man. Why the hell was he dressed like that?

"Young man you can't park here. It's against the regulations."

"Regulations? It's just a parking space"

"Just a parking space? It's not just a parking space, you see. From 6 to 11 am only vehicles that deliver groceries can park here. From 11 to 12 and from 14.15 - till 16.33 this is a handicap spot and from 16.44 -17.30 it's a candy tad spot except for Wednesdays and Fridays and every other Tuesday of the moth. And from 17.30 till 23.00 it's a woman sparking spot. Yousee as a woman you can't be safe at night." Logan looked at the man with wide eyes. Rory had obviously not been kidding when she warned him about Taylor and his insane rules. He glanced at his watch and a mischievous grin appeared on his face.

"It's only 14.13 sir, the said regulations have no rules for the parking space between 12 and 14.15...so, it's a regular parking space" Logan looked at Taylor as a scowl appeared on his face.

"What is your business here?" he suddenly asked in a rather harsh voice.

"Well since you're asking. I'm looking for Rory's house"

"What do you want with Rory?"

"Uhm...I'm her boyfriend"

"Her Boyfriend, her boyfriend you say…"

"TAYLOR! What the hell is this!!?" A man yelled and marched up to them.

"That is a leaf Luke"

"I know it's a leaf Taylor, what the hell is it doing in my diner…together with about three ton of other stupid decorations!?!?!?"

"Now Luke, I thought it was about time that you started to participate with the town's autumn and thanksgiving decorations, so I ordered a box of decorations to be dropped off at your diner" Logan watched as the guy called Luke clenched his fists by his side. He looked ready to kill someone.

"Taylor! I have never, and will never put up decorations in my diner!" Luke yelled.

"Luke can we take this later I was talking to this young man. He was just about to tell me why he wanted directions to Rory's' house" Taylor said and pointed at Logan. Luke stared at him.

"What do you want with Rory?" he grunted.

"I'm her boyfriend"

"You're Logan" it wasn't a question, but a statement.

"Yes I am"

"You hurt her, I hurt you. Got it?" Logan merely nodded. He hated to admit it, but this guy scared him.

"Now Luke…"

"Shut up Taylor"

"Luke…"

"Taylor I'm warning you" Logan looked at the scene and shook his head. This town looked so picture perfect on the outside, but on the inside it was rather crazy. He sighed and rolled his window back up. It would probably take just as long to wait for the two men to stop arguing as it would take for him to find her house on his own.

A few minutes later he parked his car outside a light blue town house. He couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Her house looked like a real home, not a castle that should have been a museum instead of a house.

Suddenly the door flung open and the women marched out dressed in pink from head to toe. On their heads they had bright pink 'Hello Kitty' helmets, and one 'Hello Kitty' tattoo on each cheek. Logan blinked a few times and looked at them utterly speechless.

"Ace?" he asked after a few minutes.

"Hey Logan" she said and kissed him right on the lips. "No time to explain, we're invading Holland"

"Invading Holland?" he asked as Rory dragged him down the street in a very un-Gilmore like tempo.

"Yes! And we have a tight schedule; you see we have to be in Florida by midnight"

"Florida? I thought you said you were invading Holland" Logan was beyond confused now. He was used to Rory's insane rants, but this…this was ten levels above her normal rants and crazy ideas.

"I thought you said your boy toy was smart" Lorelai suddenly said.

"I thought so too, but apparently I was wrong" Rory laughed.

"Well enlighten him on our plan then, we have little time...next stop is the glorious place I like to call hell" she said as she started to march down the street with Rory and Logan in tow.

"First we're going to grandma and grandpa's house, cause you see in the basement he has this air gun that mom and dad used to shoot tin men with, without permission of course. Well anyways, we're going to borrow that, walk to sea world in Florida and borrow two sea turtles…"

"Sea turtles?"

"Yes, now shush you. We're going to borrow the turtles, bind them together with rope, that I assure you is not made of human hair. And sail them to Holland"

"Sail them to Holland"

"Logan…"

"Right, I'm quiet now"

"Thank you. Well after that we're going to shoo the turtles out of their shells…"

"I don't think that is possible"

"If Mickey mouse can do it, so can I. Remember little Shelby? He gave Mickey and Donald a lot of trouble. The next stop is Invading Holland! It's a two, well three now. A three man operation, all you have to do it break the dikes"

"Break the dikes" Logan repeated in amazement.

"Yes…it's very logical when you think about it. Holland is beneath sea level you know…breaking the dikes would flood the country, giving me…"

"RORY!" Lorelai gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.

"_Us…_sorry, giving _us _Holland"

"But what are you going to do with the flooded country? Open a giant water park and water ski in victory?" He asked tailing behind the two women who were practically running down the streets; the sound of their clogs echoing through the small town.

"What we want to do with it is beside the point! What did Napoleon want to do with it? Nothing! Nothing I tell you! It's the idea of it" Lorelai clarified while waving her hands around.

"Uhm…Napoleon wanted the Rhine…and probably the flourishing sea trade? And the French had Holland before…"

"DUCK!" Lorelai suddenly yelled, and both women jumped into the bushes. A little hesitantly he followed them.

"What's happening?" he asked and looked over at Rory who had loose branches sticking out of her hair. He had to admit that she looked adorable.

"Nothing" Lorelai replied. "I just always wanted to do that"

This was insane…pure insanity that was what this was. What had happened to the rational, shy, bookish and last but not least _normal _Rory he knew? This woman who claimed to be her mother…and the reincarnation of Napoleon had possessed her: made her her companion on this rampage to invade Holland.

"Where are we actually going?" Logan asked as he stood up and started brushing dirt and leafs of his pants.

"It's a secret" Lorelai whispered.

"We're going to Luke's" Rory whispered in his ear as they walked out of the bushes. Logan slightly paled…Luke…that was the freaky guy who was yelling at him earlier. He had no desire to meet him in the nearest future.

"Oh don't look so pale…he's not gonna hurt you" she said and entwined their hands.

"That might be true, but you didn't see the look he gave me earlier…if looks could kill I would be dead"

"You've already met him?"

"Yeah…I was lost, and looking for your house, I tried every road, but ended up in the middle of town every time, and then Taylor showed up and started rambling on about the parking space, and then Luke walked up to us and started yelling at Taylor and Taylor at him, and Luke at me, and then I just drove off" Logan finished and took a deep and much needed breath.

"You got lost in Stars Hollow?"

"Ace…"

"You got lost in _Stars Hollow?_"

"Well there are no signs"

"I told you to turn right at the big roster statue"

"I thought you were kidding"

"Oh no we never kid about Monty"

"Monty?"

"Monty the rooster Monty"

"Right" Logan said as they approached Luke's. Rory walked right up the stairs while Logan lingered at the ground. She gave his hand a little tug and he reluctantly followed her into the diner. Inside Lorelai was practically on top of the counter while waving what looked like a ladle around. He shook his head and decided not to ask.

Rory let out a laugh when Luke had to duck down so he wouldn't get the ladle in his face.

"Give it up Luke, just give her the coffee" she said.

"It's her 10th cup today…it's gonna kill her"

"Well at least she'll die happy" Luke shook his head and poured Lorelai a huge cup of coffee.

"Don't blame me when you die early" he mumbled and walked into the kitchen to make the burgers she had ordered.

"Wouldn't dream about it" she sang and skipped towards Rory and Logan's table. Halfway there she stopped and a huge grin spread on her face.

"Hey Luke…come back out here, you need to see this"

Luke grunted and walked back into the dining area. He held a frying pan in one hand and a dish brush in the other.

"What is it Lorelai?"

"Look at that…I think he's outdone himself this year" Lorelai said and pointed at the window that connected the diner and the Soda Shoppe. Luke's grip on the frying pan tightened when he saw what Taylor was doing. The entire window was covered in two sided stickers. In the middle there was a huge turkey that was surrounded by pumpkins and all sorts of thanksgiving food. Luke was seeing red; he had put up with a lot from this man, but this was it. His cup couldn't take another drop, the water was already pouring over the edge.

"TAYLOR!!!" he yelled and before he knew what he was doing the frying pan that was once held so tightly in his hand was making it's way through the window.

Logan didn't know what to think anymore, this was as insane as it got. You couldn't get a crazier show at an insane asylum.

"You know what Ace…I'm starting to fear for your safety" he said with a worried look.

"Shush! I've been waiting for this to happen for years, you're ruining the show" Rory said without taking her eyes of the two men that were screaming at each other through the broken window. Logan shook his head; this was when normal people would call the nice men in white coats. She was different when she was with her mom and the people she grew up with, her eyes were sparkling, and she had this glow. It was the only way he could explain it; a glow. She was happy, happier then he had ever seen her before; and he was sure that blind person could see that, well feel it. His daze was broken when the bell above the door jingled.

"Luke! I'm going to press charges for attempted murder! You could have killed me! And just because of a few decorations! You need to take anger management classes, I'm gonna sign you up for the classes Miss Pat..!"

"I'm warning you Taylor…" Luke said in a deep voice. Taylor visibly shook and raised the frying pan he held in his hand.

"Don't touch me Luke! I'll protect myself…I took self-defense lessons last year! If you hit…I'll use this on you"

"Taylor...give me the pan" Luke said and stretched his hand towards the pan. Taylor turned his head and threw it…it twisted and spun through the room; missing Luke's head with over a meter. The flying pan headed straight for the Gilmore table…the last thing Logan heard was Rory's scream and Lorelai yelling "We have a bleeder! One man down! I repeat one man down!"

------G------

AN: Ok so this is part one of this two chapter story. I know a lot of me want me to update my other stories, and I assure you…I'm working on it. Soon my dear readers; soon. I just had to get this out of the way.

And I will love you all forever if you review and please help me vote…my nephew is the finalist in huge photo contest here in Norway. So can you please please please go to my profile page and use the link there to vote? Please please please! The prize is so amazing.

And for those of you who live in Norway; please call 815 22 622 and vote for candidate nr 13

I would be so so so so so happy if you did.

Caroline

Oh and please review.


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